Florence — See Me Because

I've always wanted to be a performer. But there have always been those setbacks, “Well, I don't really have anything to perform with or if I am even really good enough to be a performer…” I guess I have always been a “keep it to myself” sort of person. It’s freeing to imagine myself as a performer because then I don't care what other people are saying. I'm doing what I want, and if you want to see it and think it's cool, then that's cool. I know it's me. It's one of my personas. I don't know if it's this person that is most me because I am different all the time.

DJing is fun. I think that it’s fun to combine and mash up songs and keep the vibe of the room going. Whenever I go to shows and stuff, I'm not one of those people who sits or stands there and watches the performance, I'm always moving around. When I imagine myself DJing I don't really see myself at a big event because I think the most fun is whether it's in your house or at a small bar - it makes things more personable. That's the reason why I wanted my portrait not to be onstage…it's not that people are watching me, it's more that I'm having fun.

I feel like I've been able to express myself creatively lately, and I'm doing it in my free time and not because I am in class and need to do it for a grade. I had quite literally never done that before. I spent six hours staring at the screen and playing around with these little bars, and I only made like 30 seconds of a song but I was like, “Oh, this sounds good! This sounds like a real song.” I can actually do things that I want to do and not be worried about what other people are doing at this current moment and not have to work my life around their lives.

I'm trying to make people more empathetic or make them actually care. Because people can say that they care, but to genuinely and unconditionally care and love is hard. People get abandoned and neglected and then they build up walls or feel like they have to love on certain conditions or love in certain ways. I wish that people would stop being so judgmental, which is hard because I am also judgmental of myself and of others. I wonder if I stop being so judgmental, maybe we all can stop being judgmental of each other? It frustrates me when people see me as other than what I want to be seen as. I don't necessarily identify as a man, but I don't want you to see me and think that I'm just some girl either.

I'm not exactly sure where and what I'll be like in the future. I'm probably gonna go to college, I'm probably going to do certain things. But at the end of the day, whatever I do or don't, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, because I still have myself. I've always been worried, what am I without other people? Who am I without all the other people around me? It is true, the people around me have made me, me. But also now I feel like I have a self. I've been pondering what is “myself" like? And now it feels like I have an identity. It feels like I'm having a sort of coming of age moment. I'm turning 18, and I feel that wherever I go I'll be happy. Maybe I won't be happy, because happiness is not a constant, but I'll be accepting, if that makes sense. Sad things always happen, but I have me.

Milwaukee, 2023